Flannery Correspondence

June 3, 2011

Dork Phase, Aspect 1: Fanny Pack

Filed under: Funny or Odd — BrianOFlan @ 23:22

My name is Brian Flannery and I used to be a dork.  Still am, many people would say.  (Unless they knew how much it hurt me.)

One clue available to normal humans during those years of hardcore dorkoholica may have been my fanny pack.

What’s a fanny pack?  Don’t act like you’re so cool you never wore or even heard about this invention.  In England, Australia and their related English-speaking countries where “fanny pack” is a verb phrase, they call them bum bags or belt bags.

Every now and then I still have moments when I can’t believe no one else finds it outrageously useful to put all their gear and pocket debris into one container that attaches in a hands-free way to the body.  Keys, wallets, coins, chewing gum, chapstick, mobile telephones, handkerchiefs and whatnot:  Sometimes my skin-tight clothing just doesn’t have enough pocket room for it all.

I’m not about to go around with a purse.  For one thing, purses must be held or slung over the shoulder.  Grip it under your arm or leave it on the restroom floor.  No thanks, man bag.  I imagine fanny pack favor will return when people realize how neo-cowboy they can be.

Neo-cowboy fanny pack

Isn't that hot?

Of course, my fanny pack in elementary school didn’t have keys or wallets or telephones.  It had survival equipment:  Pens, pencils, paper, notebooks, a pencil sharpener.  I had buttons in case I needed to MacGyver the sharp pin into picklock form.  I kept one of those small Gideon Bibles in there in case the Rapture snuck up on me and I needed to review my elevator speech.  I kept a small English dictionary because I always needed a spell check, what with all those writing utensils.  I also had a Spanish-English dictionary in case I was kidnapped and taken to South America.  I wish I were making this up.

Maybe all these things happen for a reason.

PS.  They’re still for sale.

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